school

 

I came across this article in the Daily Beast the other day and realized it was time I shared what has been on my mind lately.  I have been Struggling (yes, with a capital s) lately with the whole kindergarten question.  Nate is 5 and has been going to a 2 day a week, 3 hours at a time preschool for 2 years now.  He enjoys it.  I think.  At least he says he does.  I do know that he's always asking when he's going next, talks non-stop when he comes home about what he did, who was there, etc.  But I know that there are hard parts for him too. 

And then there's the other side of the coin- the one where I'm a teacher.  Where I spent the better part of my life in the institution of school and made the decision to pursue an advanced degree in the art of working within that institution, making it mimic life in such a way that children could grow, engage, feel valued and be prepared to make it in the 'real world' some day.  And I really enjoyed my work.  And I saw see real value in what I did.  But I was aware that there were many days when I wasn't able to really see each of the children that I worked with, getting caught up in bureaucracy and executive decisions, and the like.  But there were also such incredible days during which we were a community, working together as a team.  Such days brought me to tears multiple times a year.  Oh how my classes loved to see my tears of joy.  It was often a class contest- who/what act of sincerity, caring, amazing-ness could get Ms. Siemer to cry today?  A class full of singing angels? No brainer. Create a mediation program to help teach the younger classes to talk out their problems, complete with mascot, theme song and informational play to to teach it?  You've struck gold. 

But then here I am 5 years later.  Questioning the entire way that I looked at the world before now.  Because it's just as the parents of the children I taught told me so many years ago, "Wait until it's your own kid."  And now it is.  And I have no clue what the right answer is.  I don't worry that Nate will be 'ruined' by the local elementary school, but I definitely know it will change him.  Without a doubt.  I saw it every year in the kindergarten class.  There are beautiful, amazing, changes of children coming into their own independence that can be found.  But there can also be heart-wrenching loneliness, learning how to just 'get by' and fit in with the crowd, losing the ability to question the world around you as minds are numbed by countless rote tasks and worksheets.  I worked every day to battle the negatives of schooling in my own classroom and I've known far too many teachers who don't even know there's a battle to fight.  Pessimistic?  Yes.  But, as I said above, it's my own kid. 

So, here we are- visiting the charter schools in our area and it turns out they all make at least 1 day of homeschooling mandatory.  And now I'm looking at homeschooling.  Something I had never genuinely thought would be a part of my life.  Not because I thought there was ever anything wrong with homeschooling, it just wasn't what I knew of 'schooling.'  I really see value in sending children out into the world without their parents.  Having them form their own friendships, figure out their own interests, consider their place in the world.  But I don't see that the elementary schools in our area have this as a focus.  Instead, it's test scores.  And benchmarks.  And assessments.  I saw that at the elementary school I worked at my first year teaching and knew it wasn't for me- that's how I ended up at an incredible charter school in Oakland.  I suppose I was a bit spoiled.  But after my own experience at a thoughtful, innovative, and incredible school, I'm having a hard time just sending Nate to our local school.  Having spent last spring at a school in our district, working closely with kindergarten teachers, I know exactly what's happening in those rooms.  And I wouldn't call it more than crowd management at best.  The teachers I met were amazing women who loved their students dearly but the expectations of administration and the sheer numbers of children they worked with on a daily basis, made it impossible for their job to be more than moving children from one activity to the next with the least amount of disruption possible. 

We've visited 3 school so far.  All of them 2 day a week options very similar to what Nate has been in for the past couple years.  All of them has the option of adding more days/enrichments as he gets older.  When we talk about my teaching him 3 days a week, he's really excited.  He has always been proud that his mom is a teacher and he is clearly tickled by the idea that I get to 'really' teach him now.  And there are days when I'm really on board with this.  It seems like a good idea.  I feel ready for this next adventure.  But then there are days when I am just not settled with this idea.  I have 19 years of formal classroom education under my belt.  This is what I believe in, what I studied, what I was pretty decent at doing as a career.  How could it not be enough for my own child? 

And I don't know if I'll ever feel settled.  In life's big decisions, are we ever?  Will we ever know if the decision we make is the 'right' one?  I'm willing to let go of the worry, though.  I can enjoy the debate with myself.  And I can see where it takes us.  Nothing is permanent and if things need to shift, so be it.  For right now, this is where we are, I'll let you know where we are again in the fall!