to remember

If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you. ~ Brian Andreas: Storypeople

stop already

I find that one of the biggest challenges I face as a human on this planet is over-scheduling.  I read articles and books about over-scheduled families and the havoc it wreaks on small children and can can hear it in my brain, "Oh, those horrid parents, don't they know children need down time?  Tsk, tsk."  Yet, I have (finally) come to realize I am one of those parents.

Nate and I are on the move everyday.  We have an appointment, an opportunity, a chance to connect, call it what you will- but we are out of the house and, many days, not back in our house for up to 12 hours at a time.  Right now that feels like some form of insanity.  If we were going to one place, like the beach.  Or the zoo.  Or a park.  And spending hours there, I may feel different.  But, unfortunately, we go to multiple places each day and spend a short amount of time doing each thing.

As an educator, I am appalled at myself.  No wonder Nate has no attention span, can't figure out what to do on his own after an hour at home, becomes 'bored' when faced with the unfamiliar for too long.  Yet, I look at my calendar for the week and I see 'must-dos.'   They are playdates with friends that we haven't seen in a long time, they are appointments that are time sensitive and need to be kept, they are errands for others that need to be done because they are unable to do them themselves.

I can get all philosophical and say there is no 'must-do' as important as just spending hours with your child doing whatever may come up, but I know that's largely philosophical bull crap.  Reality is, right now is just a busy time in our lives.  I've done a much better job of scheduling in some down time or making sure that we're home at least a few days a week but I'm not perfect.  I recognize that this is a time of transition as I move from working outside of the home to being fully 'at home' and that this transition will be hectic and I have to have some grace for myself. 

In the meantime, I can appreciate the time that we are together and the different opportunities that help us understand ourselves a little better in each new situation.  I can appreciate that there are rhythms and seasons to all things in life and that this is just one that we must ride out until a new cycle can begin.  I can be thankful for the many blessings in my life that fill up my time and pull me from my home- as I have much to be grateful for.  And I can have patience.  For myself and for my son.

letting go

I struggle, as I assume most all of us do, with letting go.  Not only do I struggle with letting go, I struggle with that phrase.  What the hell does it mean anyway?  How is that even humanly possible?

A couple weeks ago, though, I realized that, for me, it's largely the idea of letting go of expectations.  I need to stop expecting certain things to happen and just be present in what's happening now.  It's all part of my letting go of control, moving through things, not holding expectations for what might happen, what that might mean, and all that.

And then, tonight I read this amazing essay on just the same thing, written so amazingly better than I ever could have.  Here's a bit:

Take your expectations, and throw them in the ocean.

Picture all the expectations you have for yourself, your life, your spouse, your kids, your coworkers, your job, the world. Take them from inside you, and toss them in the ocean. A river or lake will also do.
What happens to them? They float. They’re carried around by waves. The current takes them out, and they drift away. Let them be washed away by the cleansing waters, and let them go.
Now live your life without them.
What’s a life without expectations like? It means you accept reality as it is, and people as they are, without expectations, without trying to force people into the containers you have for them, seeing things as they are. It’s a life where you don’t need to be disappointed or frustrated or angry — or if you are, you accept it, and then let it go. 

from Zen Habits : Leo Babauta

in gratitude for laughter and moments upside down

The Place I Want To Get Back To

is where
in the pinewoods
in the moments between
the darkness

and first light
two deer
came walking down the hill
and when they saw me

they said to each other, okay,
this one is okay,
let’s see who she is
and why she is sitting

on the ground like that,
so quiet, as if
asleep, or in a dream,
but, anyway, harmless;

and so they came
on their slender legs
and gazed upon me
not unlike the way

I go out to the dunes and look
and look and look
into the faces of the flowers;
and then one of them leaned forward

and nuzzled my hand, and what can my life
bring to me that could exceed
that brief moment?
For twenty years

I have gone every day to the same woods,
not waiting, exactly, just lingering.
Such gifts, bestowed,
can’t be repeated.

If you want to talk about this
come to visit. I live in the house
near the corner, which I have named
Gratitude.

- Mary Oliver