resolutions, revelations

I gave up resolutions long ago.  The perfectionist in me has a hard time with goals of any sort.  When I resolve to do something, that pretty much means it's good as done.  And when it doesn't happen exactly the way that I thought it would, or in the time frame that I thought it should get done (generally that means immediately), then I become frustrated and down on myself. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals in general and how goal setting isn't something that generally makes me feel content. 

I've begun to realize that that doesn't make me unmotivated or have less of a passion for getting things done, accomplishments, etc. it's actually the opposite.  I find that if I set an intention, rather than a focused goal, an I am instead of an I am going to I am much more open to different outcomes and timelines. 

I find it gives me so much more peace of mind to say I am creative  rather than  I am going create more art.  It allows me the opportunity to see myself as the creative being I want to be, thus freeing my mind to actually create, dream and ponder, rather than keep my mind spinning about how I will create more art, what kind of art that may be, become frustrated that said art isn't original enough, expressive enough, true enough etc. 

And perhaps it's the word nerd in me that feels that there's such a difference between a resolution and an intention.  I honestly don't even want to look up the definitions of the two because it may spoil the differences I have in my own mind. 

So, if no resolutions...what then?  I came across the idea of choosing a word or phrase to live into in the coming year.  I haven't done that before but I know that if I had a phrase to describe last year it would be let go.  I had a lot of letting go that had to be done.  Mostly paradigms and views of the world that were all in my own head.  Most of the letting go was done in pain, sadness and with such the valiant fight.  But when I finally embraced that phrase- let go- I realized what it really meant- step out of controlling every situation, let go of my belief that I know what is best for everyone in my life, including myself, and, most importantly, let go to something so much more vast and amazing and bigger than I could ever understand.  So I did.  And I found peace.  I found comfort.  I found that I had oh so very much to be thankful for. 

But for this year?  I've decided it is I am here.  That means so much to me.  And I'm sure what that phrase means to me now, on this the second day of the year, may be quite different from what it means to me 364 days from now.  But see, even by my saying that, I'm proving my own need for that phrase.  I like to look forward- I like to have things to look forward to, activities planned, places to go.  I enjoy being busy, knowing what the next thing will be.  But it can make me anxious, it can make me miss the sheer magic and brilliance and unexpected amazing-ness of what's happening right now.  And I'm tired of missing that because I'm pondering some what if.  

I am here.  No where else.  This is the only place I can be, this is the time and space that all of the events of my life have led up to, be in that place, really see what it's like.  Much like my phrase from last year, it's about surrendering the idea that I truly know it all.  It makes me acknowledge that I only know what's happening in exactly this moment and I better darn well absorb as much as I can to move into the next.  Oh, I am so excited to be here!  Here is a wonderful place to be.  Thank you for joining me here.