I have to admit, I'm in the dark about a lot of "typical" parenting things. I still have yet to figure out why a child needs an activity center when the child seems to be the most content and excited banging a spoon on the ground and watching a flag blow. I'm also at a loss why someone leaves their baby in a cage for most of the day, even when awake so that they can do chores that are just as easily done with baby in a pouch. That said, I read my first (and last) "sleep trainer" book this weekend. Actually I read two, the original and its sequel for months 5 through 15. The book was On Becoming Baby Wise and its follow-up companion guide by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam.
I have to admit, I knew a little about what I was getting into when I opened the book. I had heard about sleep trainers, I had been warned about sleep trainers, but I'm of the mind that I can't really say anything about something until I've found out the real deal for myself, so that's what I did.
On the surface, the book seems heaven sent. What parent wouldn't want to be "baby wise" and have a happy, healthy baby? Someone where
people are stopping you in the grocery store, at the bank and coming up to you in the coffee shop. They can't get over the sweet contentment and playful giggles comprising your baby's demeanor.The book then goes on to outline how to set up a schedule for your baby and help them achieve healthy sleep habits.
Now, on the face of it, I would have no problem with different parenting styles and beliefs. At the end of the day, we're all trying to do what we think is best for our child. I think at the root of my discomfort with this book is the basic fact that the authors stress that other ways of parenting, specifically attachment parenting (which we practice) is one of the worst ways that you can parent, resulting in some of the deepest damage. Take crying for instance, according to the authors:
By blocking the cry, mother loses confidence in her own decision making. She also misses out on assessing the child's real needs... Whether it is blocking a baby's cry by offering food at each whimper or wearing a baby in a sling all day to eliminate crying, beware. Indeed, babies who are allowed unlimited feedings, who are carried in a sling during the day, and who sleep with their mothers at night, do cry very little. This is true. However, this is not a result of love, training, and an abiding sense of security. Such babies cry less because this parenting philosophy calls for the suppression of all crying...Try placing an "attached" baby in his own crib and in all probability there will be a great deal of crying.
My goodness! Of course there will be crying, if babies were meant to be on their own all the time, they would be independent, able to feed themselves, move around and protect themselves from dangers. When they sense that the person they trust the most in the whole world has abandoned them, I think they have every right to be upset and work to get that person to pay attention to them. I love that by the author's own admission, listening to a baby cry the requisite one to four hours a day deemed "normal" is tough on a parent:
We can assure you of this truth: you will not take pleasure in hearing that sound, especially if you are a first time parent...this is your baby and this crying seems simply intolerable. If only you would know what to do. With a bit of help, you can.
From the beginning of this book to the end, it presupposes that new parents will have no (or the wrong) intuition about what to do with their newborns and infants. There's actually a whole section of the book dedicated to telling us that we are rational people and should use our brains rather than our hearts in dealing with our kids. Isn't that how most hospitalized births go awry in the first place? But I go astray...
Throughout the book, the authors make reference to two little babies: Chelsea and Marissa. Marissa's parents use an AP style of parenting and Chelsea's use the PDF (parent-directed feeding, ie Babywise) method of parenting. In it, Chelsea is described as expressing "herself with happy sounds such as cooing and by excited body motions such as bouncing." While it is said of Marissa that "the child has become so conditioned to immediate response that she cannot cope with a delayed response. Now the child is emotionally fragile, rather than emotionally stable." If I had read this book before I had become a parent or read any literature on AP parenting I know I would have been less confident in my self as a parent and making my own choices, instead making choices out of the fear that I would be making an emotionally fragile child, rather than the secure, attached one that I am.
Finally, the authors offer a potpourri of information to help new parents make the right decisions about buying a crib and playpen (the cornerstones of this philosophy) as well as making sure you circumcise your child (due to increased infection in intact males) and steer clear of demand feedings (as they can lead to obesity later in life).
All right, I think I have to stop. While my own parenting philosophy is in direct contrast with this one, I understand that parents will choose methods that work best for how they want to raise their child. One of the many things that disturbs me most about this book is that it is, in essence, saying that this is the best way to raise a child. It explicitly tells us that we should not follow our own intuition and ideas regarding parenting. No wonder there are so many stressed-out parents out there...they've been led to believe that their child is a tyrant seeking out constant attention and sucking time from their marital relationship. If they don't rein them in early, this problem will only continue to get worse, leading to possible divorce and child abuse (again, taken from the book). My biggest worry is for those who read this book, really want to use its ideas and for whom it just doesn't work, won't they feel like a failure?
Okay, now I'm just ruining a perfectly good Sunday writing about this book. They've taken enough of my time. I'm glad that I've now read a sleep training book for myself as now it is no longer hearsay. I will never read another of these books again, instead, I will continue to look to my son to help me figure out his needs and my husband and family to support him in his continuous joy and and learning. Even if the authors of Babywise say a happy baby is a trained baby, I wonder what they'd say when they met Nate and learned that, while happy, he's completely on a schedule of his own making.
Thanks for sticking with this rant...more news to follow about our big trip to Catalina and Nathaniel's first tooth!
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